BLACK

Today i felt my first Black Sunrise.

I just wanted to crawl back into bed.

Close my eyes and not wake up.

With my baby Jolie in my arms.

Breathing and dreamingly sweetly in my arms.

Tonight I will feel my first Black Sunset.

In the still of the night..

Why is it that when you're already depressed, some deep seated sado-machistic side to your personality awakens and makes you pour bloody salt and fire into an already open bleeding wound.

Do we want to hurt? Do we want to feel the physical ache of the heart? Do we want to curl up in a corner and die?

We purposely watch the saddest scenes in movies. We knowingly listen to the most heart wrenching of songs. We resolutely look at pictures that dredge up former memories.

Is this why people physically hurt themselves? To redirect the pain into something more tangible? They say that you can only feel one pain at a time, so if you make something hurt more, your mind is bamboozled into temporarily forgetting the incorporeal thing that hurts.

It hurts. I'm hurting. Pull me out of this opaque apocolyptic void i'm helplessly careening headfirst into. Please make it stop.

Green-eyed monster

I'm in a mood where I'm all like 'bugger the world'. Let me tell you a story.. It's a boy meets girl story but before you go 'bloody hell not another one' let me tell you its got a twist and pretty much no ending...

The year is 2000. Girl meets boy and a bunch of friends.. All become friends... To spare you the gory details, girl and boy start going out. The other girl and boy in the group also start dating and all four become the closest of friends. When (for the sake of less confusion) Main girl and main boy break up, badly i might add, Main girl and Girl 2 remain close close friends. The kind of friends who can totally be themselves in front of each and share secrets and thoughts and not worry about how they look.

And then as always time and growing up become a factor and Main Girl and Girl 2 drift apart, but not on bad terms. Main boy and Boy 2 have moved on as have both girls. When Girl 2 gets married however, she does not invite Main Girl to the wedding. Apparently because Main Boy has chucked a fuss over it. For whatever her reason, Girl 2 agrees to not invite Main Girl.

One fine day, Main Girl decides to call up Girl 2 to catch up (months after the wedding and also after finding out that Girl 2 is preggers).. And here is where i bring you to present day..

I call up this old friend of mine to wish her congratulations on impending mummyhood. We chat, we laugh and its almost like the years apart never happened. It was poignant and bittersweet. I've heard about her boyfriend-then-husband for the longest time and yet i haven't met him, she told me that they appeared in a local society magazine so since i had it lying around the office i checked it out.. Holy mother of God, her husband is a hunk. And i mean a whole chocolate chunk of a hunk..

This of course unintentionally provokes something deep down.. The green eyed monster of envy.. I hate being envious.. Truly do.. But i can't help it.. She's managed to stay slim, i've packed on the pounds.. She's landed a wealthy handsome husband, i'm in a really difficult financial position.. I HATE THIS!! *sits on the floor in a corner and cries like a little baby*

This also brought along the dramatic, and i say dramatic because i mentally heard the drums bangs and the cymbals crash when i realised that i don't really have anybody that i can talk to.. I mean yeah i have good friends that love me and got my back. But i don't REALLY have anybody that I can sit down and 100% be myself with.

This sucks.. I've got to get out of this...
I'm going now. Probably to go slit my wrist or drink a poison cocktail,..
This sucks..

Valentine-Vanity-Virility-Virginity Day

It was Valentines Day yesterday. Can you say bah hambug to Valentines Day? Hmm.. point to ponder.

Anyhow, have i told you that I hate Valentine's Day? Where on earth did this soppy day come from? Apparently it's because some priest in ancient Rome who was secretly marrying couples during a time where no marriages were allowed was killed/beheaded/beaten to death by clubs. Whoop-dee-freaking-doo

It's not even a real day!!!!!! I think its a conspiracy created by florists in ye olden days to have one day that they can hike up their costs to a ridiculous amount which then financially covers them for the rest of the year. Have you seen a florist close shop because they don't have business? Ask yourself why. Seriously. Cost price for a rose=RM0.20 Cost for a rose to V-Day suckers=RM10.00 Congratulations.

I appreciate the sentiment behind Valentine's Day, but just because it's like some public plague has hit the world on this date, means you're extra nice and buy me presents and guarantee me an orgasm? What about the other 364 days in the damn year?! Does it mean if i'm alone for V-Day i'm damned to spending the rest of my days old, lonely and only my dog and my vibrator for comfort? Does it mean if my partner doesn't gift me with something expensive and meaningful he feels less for me?

Blow a bloody bubble.. Going back to the sentiment of V-Day, i used it as an opportunity: read excuse to express my love for my friends without coming of as some drama queen.. so i sent out some emails, some text messages and that was it. I went out with some girlfriends last night and we went to Friendster Cafe in Damansara Perdana... AAAAAAAAARRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! They should call themselves Lose-a-friend Cafe.. Water took 30 freaking minutes to arrive AND THEN when we ordered our food (i ordered a mushroom soup and avril ordered chicken kebab) and it took ONE HOUR!!!! can you imagine the level of irritation???? Through the freaking roof.

On another note, i reckon since becoming a redhead my anger levels have increased tenfold. I'm more snippy/snappy/bitchy/yappy than usual and it's quite odd, usually i've got some semblance of control over my emotions.

Secondly, I've just been yelled at for not continuing my Singapore/Cafe Del Mar post. So slap me butt and call me Sally. I'm lazy, i've accepted it, why won't you?

And last but not least. Apparently, according to 123greetings February 12th - 18th is International Flirting Week. WHAT?? Why am I only knowing about this now? I've missed out on 4 days of permission to outrageously flirt!!!!! Damnit.. i have a few more days to go.. so i'm gonna get right to it... Au revoir

Flirt Flirt and Away!!
Me

All the colour has been ripped out of my world...

You never appreciate what you have until its gone..

I don't literally see things in black and white, i just feel like everything that held 'colour' is gone..

Who am I? Who are you?